15 Great Things About the Ides of March

1. My daughter is pregnant (so far, that’s made every day great)

2. My son had an interview for a swell new job

3. My son was asked for a second interview for that swell new job

4. My son’s girlfriend invited me to her OSU graduation in May
(she likes me, she really likes me!)

5. President Obama is the speaker at the May commencement
(I like him, I really like him!)

6. Sally Field quotes never get old

7. It’s Friday

8. It’s Friday and it’s warm outside

9. It’s Friday and it’s warm outside and I actually left the office
at lunchtime and bought a really cute Easter Thumper bunny
for my sweet Emily (don’t tell)

10. And a Jimmy John’s sub for me

11. And a Starbucks caramel frappacino

12. I got this card from a friend:

13. I actually have really good friends

14. None of them stabbed me either

15. After work, all I have to do is go home, get comfy, and finish reading my book

Sleep Study

I'm going to a clinic soon for a sleep study. I saw my doctor in December for my annual physical. As always, she asked me a lot of questions about a lot of different things. Apparently a few of my answers caused her to be concerned that I have sleep apnea.

It never occurred to me that I might have a sleeping disorder, even though I do occasionally emit a delicate little snore. So delicate, in fact, that it occasionally wakes me up.

Fun sleep apnea facts: 1 in 5 adults have sleep apnea to some extent. 1 in 15 have sleep apnea that is severe enough to cause damage to internal organs, primarily the heart.

While I never considered a sleeping disorder, I do realize that I have sleep issues. Charming idiosyncrasies, really, as in I want to sleep in my own house, in my own bed, with my own pillows, sheets and blankets, with the TV on. Always with the TV on. It's white noise to me. I wear one of those movie-star eye masks to block out the light, though, because the light from the TV bothers me.

I know it makes no sense.

Against my better judgment but to appease my doctor, I saw a sleep specialist. She asked me a lot of questions about a lot of different things and said, yep, I think you have sleep apnea.

So a sleep study is in my future. Here's the drill:

My appointment time is 7:30 pm.

I will be assigned a room with a chair, TV and double bed. The bathroom is down the hall.

It will take approximately 2 hours to hook me up. I will have four wires attached to my head; a sensor in my nose; a sensor near my mouth; a belt with sensors around my chest; EKG patches on my chest; and another belt with sensors around my hips.

I can "relax" in the chair while all this is happening, eat a little snack (if I bring one) and watch a little TV. They suggested I bring a book, cards or crafts. (Seriously? Crafts? I'm fresh out of popsicle sticks and pipe cleaners.)

Around 10:00 or so they'll tuck me into bed, hook up all the wires to a computer, and shut everything else down. No lights (good) , no TV (uh-oh), and no clock (are you freaking kidding me?). When I asked the sleep specialist about the clock, she said "What do you need a clock for? You'll be asleep."

Sure I will.

Strange place, wires hooked up to my body, and audio/video monitoring to boot. I'm sure I'll drift off in no time.

I complained to my son about it and he said "Tell them it's not going to happen without half a bottle of wine, a box of cookies and cable."

He knows me so well.

I'll let you know what happens.

Christmas Eve Advice

I saw a COTA bus on the way to work today. The front of the bus had an electronic sign that switched from its route name – “Hamilton Road” – to “Happy Holidays.” It made me wonder in passing if “Happy Holidays” would offend anyone.

I’ve been thinking about that as I put in my half day at the office, waiting to celebrate Christmas Eve with my family. It seems to me that the vast majority of us are simply well-intentioned, everyday people who want the best for all of us. We’re not extreme supporters of the NRA or the ACLU. We see the good and bad in these organizations and, for that matter, in almost every group or person or belief.

So, it is my hope that we will all assume good intentions. I read that piece of advice on the blog of a successful businessman: Assume good intentions. He was talking about office situations, but it’s applicable to all of us, every day.

If someone wishes you “happy holidays,” assume it’s offered as a friendly greeting, not as intentionally disparaging to your religion.

If someone wishes you “merry Christmas” and you don’t celebrate Christmas, assume the same.

From the unthoughtful gift you receive to the unappreciated gift you give, don’t look for trouble. Assume good intentions.

Merry Christmas to all of you, my friends. I hope to see you soon.

Flu Me Once

I don’t get flu shots. I had one about 20 years ago and I swear it made me sick and I haven’t gotten one since.

I know, doctors and the CDC contend that flu shots don’t make you sick. That wasn’t my experience but, as I said, it was a long time ago.

Last year at my physical my doctor suggested I get a flu shot and I said I didn’t want one and she said okay. That’s why I love my doctor. And, luckily, I rarely get sick (knock on wood).

All that being said, I got a flu shot today. My employer provided them for free. Many of my co-workers got one this morning. It occurred to me that maybe the vaccine has been improved over the years and my body would react differently (or not at all). Maybe it was better to be safe than sorry. Maybe I could trust the CDC.

So after lunch on the spur of the moment I walked into the room where they were giving shots.

Nurse: Are you here for your flu shot?

Me: I don’t know. I didn’t sign up to get one.

Nurse: That’s okay, we can give you one anyway.

Me: I don’t have any ID with me.

Nurse: You don’t need ID, you just need to fill out the paperwork.

Me: I don’t know. I haven’t had a flu shot in like 20 years. What are the side effects?

Nurse: You might have some tenderness or swelling at the site of the shot, your arm might be sore for a day or so, but you won’t get sick.

Okay. I sit down at a table and fill out the paperwork. There’s an information sheet about flu shots. I read it. The nurse calls me over to another table to actually get the injection.

Me: You know how you said I wouldn’t get sick? (I point to the information sheet) This says reactions to a flu shot can be (I start reading) “hoarseness; sore, red or itchy eyes; cough; fever; aches; headache; itching; and fatigue.” Isn’t that “sick?”

Nurse: There’s a small chance you might have that reaction to the shot, but it wouldn’t be the flu. It would just be a reaction and only last a couple days.

Huh. The flu shot won’t give me the flu, but it might make me feel like I have the flu. Fine distinction I say. Still, I got the shot. We’ll see what happens. If I don’t have a bad reaction to it, I imagine I’ll get one every year. If it does make me sick – I mean, if I have a reaction - I’m never ever getting one again.

Like they say: Flu me once, shame on you. Flu me twice, shame on me.

Yet More Fun with Customer Comments

Here's the boot we posted on our Facebook page:


 

and here's what one of our customers posted:


IS THESE BOOTS ARE GOING TO GO OVER MY CALFS THOES LONG TOO THE KNEE BOOTS HUH (my company name omitted) ? HOW MUCH ARE THEY GOING FOR ? I BE DRESSING MY ASS OFF FOR A FULL FIGUAR WOMEN !

Sweet tap-dancing Jesus.

Sweet Tap-Dancing Jesus

I'm offering this phrase up to you because I love it and I want to share it - kind of like Oprah's Favorite Things.

Sweet Tap-Dancing Jesus.

I saw the phrase "Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ" on a "best of" Craig's List car ad. It was used as a superlative:

JESUS
TAP-DANCING
CHRIST
Never in your life has a car made you so appealing to the opposite sex.
(it's a good ad,  check it out )

Never one to shy away from a good turn of phrase, I decided to use it for comic effect whenever I could. My mind, however, turned the phrase a little more.

Sweet Tap-Dancing Jesus. It's better my way, isn't it?

Here are a few ways you can pepper it into your own conversations:

For OSU football games - Sweet tap-dancing Jesus did you see that catch?

While shopping - Sweet tap-dancing Jesus that is one ugly sweater.

At work - Sweet tap-dancing Jesus, will this day ever end?

Complimenting your children - Sweet tap-dancing Jesus, you got an A!

Talking to me: Sweet tap-dancing Jesus, Jeano, that's the best phrase I've ever heard. It should be in the dictionary under "brilliant!"

Enjoy.

The Little Swede

A friend of mine has a grandson, Alex, who lives in Sweden. Pretty much from the date of his birth we've referred to him as "the little Swede." I finally got to meet Alex, now 10, at dinner last night.

He's a good looking boy with fair skin and straight blonde hair. His English is excellent and he speaks with only a slight accent. He was dressed in a tee shirt with a skateboard graphic and an oversized ball cap - apparently the universal wardrobe of 10-year-old boys.

We ate at CiCi's Pizza. It's a pizza and pasta buffet with the added bonus of a small game room. I had never been there before but it was highly recommended as a place kids love and adults tolerate. We'd tolerate it more if they served alcohol. About the time Alex was on his 3rd plate of pizza he declared: "In the future, I think all restaurants should be just like this one." High praise indeed.

Other conversations with Alex:

Me: Do you have a pet back in Sweden?
Alex: Yes, a dog.
Me: What's his name?
Alex: It's in Swedish.
Me: Tell me anyway.
Alex: Eddie.


As we were about to play a game of air hockey:
Alex: Nobody has ever beaten me at air hockey.
Me: Aw, that's a shame it's going to happen while you're on vacation.
(Nothing like trash-talking a 10 year old. He did go on to beat me soundly, fair and square. His record is intact.)


In my car with the top down. Alex was in the back seat. It was hard to hear.
Me: Why don't you teach me some Swedish words?
Alex: Like what?
Me: Like how do you say hello in Swedish?
Alex:  You can say "hi" or "hey"
Me (laughing because I couldn't hear very well but it was obviously the same in English): WHAT?
Alex (very slowly and patiently to the stupid deaf woman in the front seat): You can say "hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" or "heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey."

Got it.

So that's it. Hej da for now. (Which is "goodbye" and Alex pronounced it something like "hey duo" which sounds Italian to me but I'll take the kid at his word.)