Number 1 - I will eat healthy, natural foods. I'll avoid processed foods. If my grandmother didn't eat it, I won't either. Thank God Grandma liked brownies. And Twinkies.
Number 2 - I will exercise more. This will not be hard to do. If I exercise at all, that's more.
I will also get rid of stuff. I have too much stuff. George Carlin understood this. I'd buy one of his old comedy albums but that would only give me more stuff.
I will clean out files and organize paperwork. Something tells me that keeping papers in plastic grocery bags in my closets is not the most efficient method. Do I really need my Mom's electric bills from 2001? No. What I do need is a shredder.
I'll buy a shredder. A big one. Oh sure, it's more stuff, but it will help me get rid of stuff.
I will fix my front step, replace my basement windows, paint the bathroom, pull out those two dead shrubs and clean the awnings.
I will play the lottery more, so maybe I can win enough money to pay someone to fix my front step, replace my basement windows, paint the bathroom, pull out those two dead shrubs and clean the awnings.
I will spend less time playing Scrabble against computer robots and more time playing cards and games with real people. And not computer strangers either. Real people, like my friends. I have friends, you know.
I will try to make some friends.
I will try to be more productive and less lazy. I will try to be more proactive and less complacent. I will try to get out, have fun, be kind, take care of myself and take care of you if you need it. I will try to make 2010 amount to something.
I'm not optimistic, but I'll try.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
New Year Musings (or God, I'm Old)
Seems like Y2K
was yesterday
but then I think again
and knit my brow
and wonder how
it’s almost 20-10
Ten years have passed -
they went so fast -
I know I seem perplexed
But this is it,
the year I quit
writing 19 on my checks
was yesterday
but then I think again
and knit my brow
and wonder how
it’s almost 20-10
Ten years have passed -
they went so fast -
I know I seem perplexed
But this is it,
the year I quit
writing 19 on my checks
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Ode to Book Group
I love my book group, every one
They make Christmas so much fun
With thoughtful gifts
And caring hearts
The season gets a festive start
In fact, each season of the year
Is met each month with book group cheer
And even though
I’m getting sappy
Book group always makes me happy
(Don’t think that we’re all sweet and nice
We’re short on sugar, long on spice
If trouble ever
Comes to pass
My book group girls will kick your ass)
They make Christmas so much fun
With thoughtful gifts
And caring hearts
The season gets a festive start
In fact, each season of the year
Is met each month with book group cheer
And even though
I’m getting sappy
Book group always makes me happy
(Don’t think that we’re all sweet and nice
We’re short on sugar, long on spice
If trouble ever
Comes to pass
My book group girls will kick your ass)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Voila!
At work, as the copywriter, I am usually the go-to person for spelling and grammar questions.
So today, a man calls across the cubicles to me, "Hey Jean - how do you spell 'voila'?" He pronounces it wah-lah, without any hint of the V.
I answer V - O - I - L - A.
"Really?" he asks.
"Yes," I say.
"With a V?" he asks.
"Yes," I say.
Not 60 seconds go by and I hear him talking quietly - to whom I'm not
sure - and he says "Oh, I'm trying to figure out how to spell voila."
Clearly my credibility isn't what it should be.
So today, a man calls across the cubicles to me, "Hey Jean - how do you spell 'voila'?" He pronounces it wah-lah, without any hint of the V.
I answer V - O - I - L - A.
"Really?" he asks.
"Yes," I say.
"With a V?" he asks.
"Yes," I say.
Not 60 seconds go by and I hear him talking quietly - to whom I'm not
sure - and he says "Oh, I'm trying to figure out how to spell voila."
Clearly my credibility isn't what it should be.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Sweet Ride
My friend and I had dinner Saturday night at a downtown restaurant. We used valet parking. When dinner was over, I handed my parking stub to the nice young man at the valet stand and he sprinted off to get my car.
When he pulled up to the curb just a few moments later, he got out of the car smiling and said "that is a stone-cold car!" Then he handed me the key and said "Sweet ride...ma'am."
Ma'am.
Nothing to do but say thanks and drive away.
When he pulled up to the curb just a few moments later, he got out of the car smiling and said "that is a stone-cold car!" Then he handed me the key and said "Sweet ride...ma'am."
Ma'am.
Nothing to do but say thanks and drive away.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Gambling On Issue 3
Here's my cynical view on Issue 3, not that you asked.
You can't believe a word you hear in the ads.
Politicians are not for or against gambling. They are FOR anything that will fill their coffers and get them re-elected and AGAINST anything that won't.
Many ads surrounding gambling issues are paid for by existing gaming companies. If the issue in question will bring money to THEIR casinos, then casinos in Ohio will provide jobs, lower taxes, make your kids smarter and extend life expectancy. If the issue in question will bring money to SOMEONE ELSE'S casinos, then casinos in Ohio will not pay taxes, will not provide new jobs, will lead to the end of civilization as we know it and turn your sister into a hooker.
So.
If you like to gamble and want to gamble in Ohio, vote yes on Issue 3.
If you don't want to gamble, and believe your neighbors shouldn't either, vote no on Issue 3.
Either way, somebody's going to get rich and it's not going to be you.
You can't believe a word you hear in the ads.
Politicians are not for or against gambling. They are FOR anything that will fill their coffers and get them re-elected and AGAINST anything that won't.
Many ads surrounding gambling issues are paid for by existing gaming companies. If the issue in question will bring money to THEIR casinos, then casinos in Ohio will provide jobs, lower taxes, make your kids smarter and extend life expectancy. If the issue in question will bring money to SOMEONE ELSE'S casinos, then casinos in Ohio will not pay taxes, will not provide new jobs, will lead to the end of civilization as we know it and turn your sister into a hooker.
So.
If you like to gamble and want to gamble in Ohio, vote yes on Issue 3.
If you don't want to gamble, and believe your neighbors shouldn't either, vote no on Issue 3.
Either way, somebody's going to get rich and it's not going to be you.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I Love October
I got married in October
and that wasn’t all bad,
I had Chrissy in October
and that made me glad.
I like sweaters in October
and pies (when Chrissy bakes ’em),
I like leaves in October
since I don’t have to rakes ’em.
Halloween is in October
and that means chocolate candy,
October’s cool and crisp and comfortable,
and I think that’s dandy.
and that wasn’t all bad,
I had Chrissy in October
and that made me glad.
I like sweaters in October
and pies (when Chrissy bakes ’em),
I like leaves in October
since I don’t have to rakes ’em.
Halloween is in October
and that means chocolate candy,
October’s cool and crisp and comfortable,
and I think that’s dandy.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Two For The Girls
Not liking the bras that I wore
I was fitted by pros at a store
Now the girls are up tight
But I fear that I might
Be looking a bit like a whore
The fitter said “Wait till you see
How they look when you’re fit properly”
Now they seem to have grown
With a life of their own
And they get in the room before me
I was fitted by pros at a store
Now the girls are up tight
But I fear that I might
Be looking a bit like a whore
The fitter said “Wait till you see
How they look when you’re fit properly”
Now they seem to have grown
With a life of their own
And they get in the room before me
Thursday, September 3, 2009
My Public
for SBC
Apparently my ego
is always standing sentry.
The password is
"I like your blog"
and BAM!
another entry.
Apparently my ego
is always standing sentry.
The password is
"I like your blog"
and BAM!
another entry.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Five Guys Sing Along
I just had my first Five Guys burger. The "little burger" with only one beef pattie. Topped with lettuce, tomato, onion, pickle, sauteed mushrooms and A-1 sauce. It was delicious.
But they call it "Five Guys" because each burger has enough fat for five guys.
26 grams.
A Wendy's single has 16 grams.
To be fair, though, a Wendy's single also has 870 grams of sodium. My little burger only had 380.
And it was a bun full of deliciousness.
So yes, God help me, I'm going to Five Guys again.
Sing along with me now:
Nothing you could do would make me untrue to Five Guys
(Five Guys)
Nothing you could say would make me turn away from Five Guys (Five Guys)
I'm sticking to Five Guys like a stamp to a letter
'Cause the grease and the fat, they make it better!
I'm telling you from the start, I'm clogging up my heart with Five Guys.
But they call it "Five Guys" because each burger has enough fat for five guys.
26 grams.
A Wendy's single has 16 grams.
To be fair, though, a Wendy's single also has 870 grams of sodium. My little burger only had 380.
And it was a bun full of deliciousness.
So yes, God help me, I'm going to Five Guys again.
Sing along with me now:
Nothing you could do would make me untrue to Five Guys
(Five Guys)
Nothing you could say would make me turn away from Five Guys (Five Guys)
I'm sticking to Five Guys like a stamp to a letter
'Cause the grease and the fat, they make it better!
I'm telling you from the start, I'm clogging up my heart with Five Guys.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
ODE TO THE FAIR
I grew up going to the Ohio State Fair, most often with
my buddy Kathy. I have warm, schmaltzy feelings about it,
so what better way to pay homage than to rip off a song
from The Sound of Music?
(to the tune of My Favorite Things)
Lemonade shake ups
and the Osmond Brothers
Slicers and dicers
and cows carved in butter
Tom Jones and Flippo
and Smokey the Bear
These are the things
that we loved at the Fair
The Himalaya
and vinegar French fries
Goldfish in baggies
we’d win after three tries
Spin art and sweet corn
and Sonny and Cher
These are the things
that we loved at the Fair
Every August
There were freak shows
There was food on sticks
So hot and so humid but we didn’t care
We loved going to
the Fair
my buddy Kathy. I have warm, schmaltzy feelings about it,
so what better way to pay homage than to rip off a song
from The Sound of Music?
(to the tune of My Favorite Things)
Lemonade shake ups
and the Osmond Brothers
Slicers and dicers
and cows carved in butter
Tom Jones and Flippo
and Smokey the Bear
These are the things
that we loved at the Fair
The Himalaya
and vinegar French fries
Goldfish in baggies
we’d win after three tries
Spin art and sweet corn
and Sonny and Cher
These are the things
that we loved at the Fair
Every August
There were freak shows
There was food on sticks
So hot and so humid but we didn’t care
We loved going to
the Fair
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
UNDERARMAGEDDON
When one shaves, one is subject to razor burn. When one has razor burn, it is best to discontinue shaving. Still, when the area no longer being shaved is the underarm area, one has to consider ones options.
That’s why this friend of mine thought depilatory might be the answer. Remove the hair without re-razoring the razor burn. Nair for sensitive skin was purchased and applied. Instructions were to leave it on three to ten minutes.
Sure, it stung a little at first. The price one pays for beauty. With each tick of the clock, however, the price skyrocketed.
Sting? Suddenly there was a brushfire under her arms.
FIRE! FI-YERRRRRR!
It felt as if my friend had skipped the Nair and used lighter fluid and a match for hair removal. She attempted damage control with a wet washcloth, but the heat was too intense. So she threw herself under a cold shower, arms above her head, praying for deliverance.
Relief is slow in coming. The burns will take some time to heal. My friend's underarms are raw and an incandescent shade of red but, like scorched earth, they are free of growth.
That’s why this friend of mine thought depilatory might be the answer. Remove the hair without re-razoring the razor burn. Nair for sensitive skin was purchased and applied. Instructions were to leave it on three to ten minutes.
Sure, it stung a little at first. The price one pays for beauty. With each tick of the clock, however, the price skyrocketed.
Sting? Suddenly there was a brushfire under her arms.
FIRE! FI-YERRRRRR!
It felt as if my friend had skipped the Nair and used lighter fluid and a match for hair removal. She attempted damage control with a wet washcloth, but the heat was too intense. So she threw herself under a cold shower, arms above her head, praying for deliverance.
Relief is slow in coming. The burns will take some time to heal. My friend's underarms are raw and an incandescent shade of red but, like scorched earth, they are free of growth.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday Crash
Monday afternoon stupor.
I try to be a trooper
But my eyes refuse to focus.
Monday afternoon daze.
My eyes will not unglaze
I need a Starbucks jamochas.
Monday afternoon shirk.
Had best get back to work
I don’t want to end up broke-us.
I try to be a trooper
But my eyes refuse to focus.
Monday afternoon daze.
My eyes will not unglaze
I need a Starbucks jamochas.
Monday afternoon shirk.
Had best get back to work
I don’t want to end up broke-us.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Wasting Time on Facebook
I published this on Facebook and got some positive feedback, so I thought I'd post it here. There aren't really 99 things. Don't let that scare you off.
99 Things You Might Not Know About Me
99 Things You Might Not Know About Me
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Had a car door closed on my finger when I was a kid. My sister-in-law told me to move my hand and I didn't. I was a rebel. A scarred rebel.
Had a car door closed on my finger when I was a kid. My sister-in-law told me to move my hand and I didn't. I was a rebel. A scarred rebel.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
paint, pictures, probably cobwebs
paint, pictures, probably cobwebs
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
yes. all three. don't share a hotel room with me.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Mostly old stuff - like Motown - but occasionally I've been know to "do the Helen Keller and talk with my hips"
Mostly old stuff - like Motown - but occasionally I've been know to "do the Helen Keller and talk with my hips"
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
midday I believe (accommodating even then)
midday I believe (accommodating even then)
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
One more day before going back to work
One more day before going back to work
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
my mind
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'7" (are you really paying attention?)
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
only when I feel trapped and closed in
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no, I'm not six
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
the last person that scared me in the dark
13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
zombie attacks
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
dark ('cause I'm not afraid of it)
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
on top of the ice when hell freezes over
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee is an energy drink
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
pepperoni, mushrooms, double cheese, mmmmmmm pizza
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
well, now I'm thinking about pizza
19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
right now I'm in my blue period
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
I like sushi, so you never know
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap
22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Jack Bauer - I can't help it
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
once at a party in the seventies, but I didn't inhale
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Lane Bryant (I'm not stupid. Who knows who'll read this?)
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
why? you can't hear me. I could write a number, but I'm not going to.
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
I'm not sure what this means...maybe only Clairol knows (that's for all you old folks out there - only her hairdresser knows for sure)
32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"what goes around, comes around"
33. FAVORITE PLACE?
there's no place like home, unless it's a really great hotel with room service and free movies
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
yes, I did some time in a Turkish prison
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
inane Facebook quizzes
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
not really - I shook Buster Douglas's hand once, then I brought him to his knees
37. FIRST JOB?
grocery store working for an *ss. turns out it was good training
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
No. By the way, do you have Prince Albert in the can?
39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
no. everyone out there has a cellphone, but not a soulmate
40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
cleaning my house, that's why this seemed fun
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
my freakin' good nature
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no, in my day if we had knarly awful teeth, we lived with it
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
braces
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
I want three, but I'm think that's getting less likely
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after my parents, but before my children
47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
anybody that doesn't love puppies, rainbows and a walk on the beach
48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
graduation
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
depends on who I'm shampooing...
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
no, but I'm fond of my typing
51. WHAT KIND OF LUNCH MEAT DO YOU LIKE?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!
53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
only if their stuff is better than mine
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
no - my house isn't clean, my stuff is mostly crap and I spend too much time on inane Facebook quizzes
55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
I agree with the benefits of friends
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
no, but smells do
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M ANGRY?????????
58.WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
who would want to gain 58 pounds? Even if you were down to 72 pounds because of some awful illness, you don't need 58. 30 would do. I hate this quiz.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
fire
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Sorry, I can't do this anymore...99 is too many things. I quit.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Not as much as Andy and Opie. (sorry, it was too easy, I couldn't quit...)
63. Do you use sarcasm?
like I need to tell you that
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
depends on the wine
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Well, I guess you'd look for androgynous traits in a guy/girl...
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
really, I'm done, this is stupid...
my mind
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'7" (are you really paying attention?)
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
only when I feel trapped and closed in
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no, I'm not six
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
the last person that scared me in the dark
13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
zombie attacks
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
dark ('cause I'm not afraid of it)
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
on top of the ice when hell freezes over
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee is an energy drink
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
pepperoni, mushrooms, double cheese, mmmmmmm pizza
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
well, now I'm thinking about pizza
19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
right now I'm in my blue period
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
I like sushi, so you never know
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap
22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Jack Bauer - I can't help it
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
once at a party in the seventies, but I didn't inhale
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Lane Bryant (I'm not stupid. Who knows who'll read this?)
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
why? you can't hear me. I could write a number, but I'm not going to.
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
I'm not sure what this means...maybe only Clairol knows (that's for all you old folks out there - only her hairdresser knows for sure)
32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"what goes around, comes around"
33. FAVORITE PLACE?
there's no place like home, unless it's a really great hotel with room service and free movies
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
yes, I did some time in a Turkish prison
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
inane Facebook quizzes
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
not really - I shook Buster Douglas's hand once, then I brought him to his knees
37. FIRST JOB?
grocery store working for an *ss. turns out it was good training
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
No. By the way, do you have Prince Albert in the can?
39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
no. everyone out there has a cellphone, but not a soulmate
40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
cleaning my house, that's why this seemed fun
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
my freakin' good nature
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no, in my day if we had knarly awful teeth, we lived with it
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
braces
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
I want three, but I'm think that's getting less likely
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after my parents, but before my children
47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
anybody that doesn't love puppies, rainbows and a walk on the beach
48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
graduation
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
depends on who I'm shampooing...
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
no, but I'm fond of my typing
51. WHAT KIND OF LUNCH MEAT DO YOU LIKE?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!
53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
only if their stuff is better than mine
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
no - my house isn't clean, my stuff is mostly crap and I spend too much time on inane Facebook quizzes
55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
I agree with the benefits of friends
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
no, but smells do
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M ANGRY?????????
58.WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
who would want to gain 58 pounds? Even if you were down to 72 pounds because of some awful illness, you don't need 58. 30 would do. I hate this quiz.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
fire
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Sorry, I can't do this anymore...99 is too many things. I quit.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Not as much as Andy and Opie. (sorry, it was too easy, I couldn't quit...)
63. Do you use sarcasm?
like I need to tell you that
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
depends on the wine
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Well, I guess you'd look for androgynous traits in a guy/girl...
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
really, I'm done, this is stupid...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ode to Samantha
There are yellow labs
and chocolate labs.
Sam's a chocolate-thieving
yellow lab
who ate fudge overnight.
It didn't kill her...
but I might.
and chocolate labs.
Sam's a chocolate-thieving
yellow lab
who ate fudge overnight.
It didn't kill her...
but I might.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Dead Celebrities
A few random thoughts:
Ed McMahon
I expect to soon see an editorial cartoon with Ed at the pearly gates and Saint Peter saying "Heeeerrrrre's Ed!"
Farrah Fawcett
A true 70s icon. Hard to believe now, but her famous swimsuit poster was scandalous because her nipples were hard.
Michael Jackson
Like my friend at work said: "the dude was a genius."
Billy Mays
Brought high energy to high energy. Use Billy when it absolutely, positively had to be sold overnight.
Karl Malden
Great character actor, probably taught Michael Douglas a thing or two. Proof positive that even if you need a nose job, it's not always a good idea to get one.
Mollie Sugden
If you don't know, she was Mrs. Slocombe on "Are You Being Served?". Funny hair. Funny double entendres about her pussy. If the Brits own the market on innuendo, then Mrs. Slocombe was the primary shareholder.
Ed McMahon
I expect to soon see an editorial cartoon with Ed at the pearly gates and Saint Peter saying "Heeeerrrrre's Ed!"
Farrah Fawcett
A true 70s icon. Hard to believe now, but her famous swimsuit poster was scandalous because her nipples were hard.
Michael Jackson
Like my friend at work said: "the dude was a genius."
Billy Mays
Brought high energy to high energy. Use Billy when it absolutely, positively had to be sold overnight.
Karl Malden
Great character actor, probably taught Michael Douglas a thing or two. Proof positive that even if you need a nose job, it's not always a good idea to get one.
Mollie Sugden
If you don't know, she was Mrs. Slocombe on "Are You Being Served?". Funny hair. Funny double entendres about her pussy. If the Brits own the market on innuendo, then Mrs. Slocombe was the primary shareholder.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Liquid Prozac
When I am stressed
it helps me cope,
When I am sad
it lessens the mope,
When I'm at work
I'm not such a dope,
Wherever there's tea
there is hope.
it helps me cope,
When I am sad
it lessens the mope,
When I'm at work
I'm not such a dope,
Wherever there's tea
there is hope.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Moral Dilemma
Last Saturday night I stopped at a strip mall with my daughter. As we were leaving and I was backing out of my parking space, I backed right into a truck. A big white pickup truck with a cap. Not hard to see. Especially with my car's top down. I don't know what happened. Hard to admit being careless. And stupid.
Anyway - I pull back into a parking space and my daughter and I get out to check the damage. I feel a little sick. But nothing is really wrong with my car - a couple scuff marks, no dent. All right! What a relief! We go to inspect the truck. No problem there either - I'm off scott free! - but wait, what's this? Ack! A small crease in the shiny metal bumper!
Could I have caused that crease? I was doing practically zero miles an hour! My car isn't dented, and that's a big old truck! I couldn't have caused that crease.
Could I?
What to do. Leave a note or not leave a note. Leaving one feels like the right thing to do. But what if I didn't cause the damage? What if Mr. Truck Driver is an immoral money-grubbing opportunist and tries to stick it to me and my insurance company? What if leaving a note makes me a STUPID, NAIVE FOOL?
I'm way more stressed out at this point than I have any reason to be. I debate it with my daughter. I call my son. He is rational. He says if I drive away I won't go to hell, BUT: the right thing to do is leave a note. I know that, but it sucks. My son says that's how I know it's right. Because it sucks.
I leave a note with my cell phone number under a windshield wiper. I apologize. I say I didn't think I caused any damage, but wanted to let Mr. Truck Driver check for himself. Then I go home and wait. I turn the sound off on my phone and check it periodically. I want Mr. Truck Driver to have to leave a message. I'm sure that's what the savvy truck hitters do.
No call Saturday night. No call Sunday. No call, in fact, so far.
So what's the moral of the story? I'm not sure. It could be that the note blew off or Mr. Truck Driver thought it was an ad or something and never read it.
Or, it could be that Mr. Truck Driver saw the note, checked the bumper, knew the crease had already been there and threw the note away. I like that option. Kind of restores my faith in humanity. And makes the whole situation suck a little less.
Anyway - I pull back into a parking space and my daughter and I get out to check the damage. I feel a little sick. But nothing is really wrong with my car - a couple scuff marks, no dent. All right! What a relief! We go to inspect the truck. No problem there either - I'm off scott free! - but wait, what's this? Ack! A small crease in the shiny metal bumper!
Could I have caused that crease? I was doing practically zero miles an hour! My car isn't dented, and that's a big old truck! I couldn't have caused that crease.
Could I?
What to do. Leave a note or not leave a note. Leaving one feels like the right thing to do. But what if I didn't cause the damage? What if Mr. Truck Driver is an immoral money-grubbing opportunist and tries to stick it to me and my insurance company? What if leaving a note makes me a STUPID, NAIVE FOOL?
I'm way more stressed out at this point than I have any reason to be. I debate it with my daughter. I call my son. He is rational. He says if I drive away I won't go to hell, BUT: the right thing to do is leave a note. I know that, but it sucks. My son says that's how I know it's right. Because it sucks.
I leave a note with my cell phone number under a windshield wiper. I apologize. I say I didn't think I caused any damage, but wanted to let Mr. Truck Driver check for himself. Then I go home and wait. I turn the sound off on my phone and check it periodically. I want Mr. Truck Driver to have to leave a message. I'm sure that's what the savvy truck hitters do.
No call Saturday night. No call Sunday. No call, in fact, so far.
So what's the moral of the story? I'm not sure. It could be that the note blew off or Mr. Truck Driver thought it was an ad or something and never read it.
Or, it could be that Mr. Truck Driver saw the note, checked the bumper, knew the crease had already been there and threw the note away. I like that option. Kind of restores my faith in humanity. And makes the whole situation suck a little less.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I Fought the Beach and the Beach Won
On holiday at the beach in North Carolina.
I'm in the ocean with a group of friends. I see a wave coming and know it's going to break nearby. I brace myself; it still knocks me right to my knees. On your knees amid breaking waves is not a comfortable place to be. It's safe, because it's shallow and I can swim, but water and sand churn all around - the earth literally washes from under me. My friend offers his hand to help. My hand, however, is slick with sunscreen. I'm almost to my feet and - bam! - on my ass in the same churning sea. I've never had so much sand and salt inside my suit, let alone in all the nooks and crannies of my muffins.
Evening of the same day. My friend, her daughter and I decide to go to the beach after dark. The house we have rented is separated from the ocean by a dune, with weather-worn steps on each side. On the ocean side, however, many of the steps have been reclaimed by sand. So when you're going to the beach you finish the last eight feet or so down a steep slope of soft sand. You climb the same when you return.
The three of us get to the beach and it is truly DARK. We are armed with two small flashlights and a glowstick, but still the way is not well lit. We decide to curtail our walk. We return to the base of the dune. (Did I mention it was dark?) I start to climb the soft sand and fall right to my knees. This time my friend's daughter extends a hand. I'm almost on my feet and - bam! - on my ass in the sand dune. This time with enough momentum that I literally roll down the dune. That's right. Roll back down the dune to the beach. Lots of sand. Lots of nooks and crannies.
I do finally make it to the safety of our house. The bad news is, I am a little stiff and sore the next morning. Apparently I can't fall four times in one day without some sort of physical repercussions. The good news is, I fully expect a nook or cranny to yield a pearl one day.
I'm in the ocean with a group of friends. I see a wave coming and know it's going to break nearby. I brace myself; it still knocks me right to my knees. On your knees amid breaking waves is not a comfortable place to be. It's safe, because it's shallow and I can swim, but water and sand churn all around - the earth literally washes from under me. My friend offers his hand to help. My hand, however, is slick with sunscreen. I'm almost to my feet and - bam! - on my ass in the same churning sea. I've never had so much sand and salt inside my suit, let alone in all the nooks and crannies of my muffins.
Evening of the same day. My friend, her daughter and I decide to go to the beach after dark. The house we have rented is separated from the ocean by a dune, with weather-worn steps on each side. On the ocean side, however, many of the steps have been reclaimed by sand. So when you're going to the beach you finish the last eight feet or so down a steep slope of soft sand. You climb the same when you return.
The three of us get to the beach and it is truly DARK. We are armed with two small flashlights and a glowstick, but still the way is not well lit. We decide to curtail our walk. We return to the base of the dune. (Did I mention it was dark?) I start to climb the soft sand and fall right to my knees. This time my friend's daughter extends a hand. I'm almost on my feet and - bam! - on my ass in the sand dune. This time with enough momentum that I literally roll down the dune. That's right. Roll back down the dune to the beach. Lots of sand. Lots of nooks and crannies.
I do finally make it to the safety of our house. The bad news is, I am a little stiff and sore the next morning. Apparently I can't fall four times in one day without some sort of physical repercussions. The good news is, I fully expect a nook or cranny to yield a pearl one day.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
FACEBOOK QUIZ
I took a quiz on Facebook
I thought I would do well
But now it seems I'm headed
For the burning gates of Hell
So I have to change my ways
I have to do it quick
Facebook said that Jesus thinks
I'm a sanctimonious prick
I thought I would do well
But now it seems I'm headed
For the burning gates of Hell
So I have to change my ways
I have to do it quick
Facebook said that Jesus thinks
I'm a sanctimonious prick
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
GOD, FAMILY AND PROPOSITION 8
I saw this in an article at CNN.com:
"...Miles McPherson, pastor of the Rock Church in San Diego, said the court "did the right thing" in upholding Propostion 8 in California. "God didn't create the family that way," McPherson said. "You can't have a family with a mother and a mother, because [children] need a mother and a father to nurture their personality and their character."
I don't claim to be a Biblical scholar, but c'mon: "God didn't create the family that way?" I'm not sure we can credit God with creating the family. If you buy into the whole Adam and Eve thing, then the very first family was one big incestuous bunch of breeders. Doesn't sound very God-like to me.
Family dynamics are continually evolving. Seems to me that family is that safety net of people that children and adults can count on for support, love and nurturing - whether they're related or not, whether they're men or women, whether they're gay or straight.
God's gotta be okay with that.
"...Miles McPherson, pastor of the Rock Church in San Diego, said the court "did the right thing" in upholding Propostion 8 in California. "God didn't create the family that way," McPherson said. "You can't have a family with a mother and a mother, because [children] need a mother and a father to nurture their personality and their character."
I don't claim to be a Biblical scholar, but c'mon: "God didn't create the family that way?" I'm not sure we can credit God with creating the family. If you buy into the whole Adam and Eve thing, then the very first family was one big incestuous bunch of breeders. Doesn't sound very God-like to me.
Family dynamics are continually evolving. Seems to me that family is that safety net of people that children and adults can count on for support, love and nurturing - whether they're related or not, whether they're men or women, whether they're gay or straight.
God's gotta be okay with that.
Reality Check
(appropriately, a Mitsubishi haiku)
When the top is down
and I'm thinking I look cool,
my hair looks like hell
When the top is down
and I'm thinking I look cool,
my hair looks like hell
Ode to Buyers
One thing about buyers,
they all know the rules:
to be narrow-focused,
white-space filling,
copy-changing fools.
they all know the rules:
to be narrow-focused,
white-space filling,
copy-changing fools.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Ode to Bratwurst
Onions, mustard and a brat
Nestled in a bun
Is lip-smacking, belly-whacking
Cookout fun
(Have a great holiday weekend!)
Nestled in a bun
Is lip-smacking, belly-whacking
Cookout fun
(Have a great holiday weekend!)
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
BOOM BOOM
I drive a cute convertible. In addition to cuteness, it's sensible, with a 4 cylinder engine, decent gas mileage, front wheel drive and an automatic top. That's why I bought it.
It's also equipped with a Rockford Fosgate sound system which is not why I bought it but that, according to my salesperson, is primo. Clearly visible in the back seat from outside the car is a dinner-plate size speaker that many people, especially young men, seem to appreciate.
Recently I've been freelancing at an office that is very close - unfortunately close, actually - to a McDonalds. I can live without McDonalds food, but I crave their caramel iced coffee. The temptation is always there and easily accessible.
A couple weeks ago I drove through McDonalds to get my coffee and the employee taking my money was a young man, maybe 20 years old. He noticed the speaker right away and while I can't recall the exact youthful language he used to express interest in my car, the gist of it was "pardon me ma'am, do you enjoy your car stereo?" When I said I probably wasn't the kind of person to fully appreciate it, he smiled and said - and this is a quote - "I bet you bump bump to the clubs every night."
Now there's an intriguing thought. Bump bumping to the clubs every night with the bass cranked up on the Temptations and Norah Jones.
At the drive-thru a few days later, the same young man took my money. I said something clever like "Oh, you're here again."
"Always here," he said, "How's the boom boom?"
The boom boom. The bump bump. ’S all good. I'm down wid it. Jammin' wit the James Taylor.
This week - coffee time again - and I know I drink too much but addiction is addiction. As I'm gathering up my 1.69, I hear "Aaaay, it's boom boom."
Boom boom. Yep, that's how I roll. Boom boom mama in her bad ass car.
It's also equipped with a Rockford Fosgate sound system which is not why I bought it but that, according to my salesperson, is primo. Clearly visible in the back seat from outside the car is a dinner-plate size speaker that many people, especially young men, seem to appreciate.
Recently I've been freelancing at an office that is very close - unfortunately close, actually - to a McDonalds. I can live without McDonalds food, but I crave their caramel iced coffee. The temptation is always there and easily accessible.
A couple weeks ago I drove through McDonalds to get my coffee and the employee taking my money was a young man, maybe 20 years old. He noticed the speaker right away and while I can't recall the exact youthful language he used to express interest in my car, the gist of it was "pardon me ma'am, do you enjoy your car stereo?" When I said I probably wasn't the kind of person to fully appreciate it, he smiled and said - and this is a quote - "I bet you bump bump to the clubs every night."
Now there's an intriguing thought. Bump bumping to the clubs every night with the bass cranked up on the Temptations and Norah Jones.
At the drive-thru a few days later, the same young man took my money. I said something clever like "Oh, you're here again."
"Always here," he said, "How's the boom boom?"
The boom boom. The bump bump. ’S all good. I'm down wid it. Jammin' wit the James Taylor.
This week - coffee time again - and I know I drink too much but addiction is addiction. As I'm gathering up my 1.69, I hear "Aaaay, it's boom boom."
Boom boom. Yep, that's how I roll. Boom boom mama in her bad ass car.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Job Interviews
Is there anything worsethan a job interview?Not panties that rideor too tight a shoe,not sharp papercutsor pain when you chew,not cold soresor bad breathor hangnailsor flu.No, nothing is worsethan a job interview.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
