Monday afternoon stupor.
I try to be a trooper
But my eyes refuse to focus.
Monday afternoon daze.
My eyes will not unglaze
I need a Starbucks jamochas.
Monday afternoon shirk.
Had best get back to work
I don’t want to end up broke-us.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Wasting Time on Facebook
I published this on Facebook and got some positive feedback, so I thought I'd post it here. There aren't really 99 things. Don't let that scare you off.
99 Things You Might Not Know About Me
99 Things You Might Not Know About Me
1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Had a car door closed on my finger when I was a kid. My sister-in-law told me to move my hand and I didn't. I was a rebel. A scarred rebel.
Had a car door closed on my finger when I was a kid. My sister-in-law told me to move my hand and I didn't. I was a rebel. A scarred rebel.
2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
paint, pictures, probably cobwebs
paint, pictures, probably cobwebs
3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
yes. all three. don't share a hotel room with me.
4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Mostly old stuff - like Motown - but occasionally I've been know to "do the Helen Keller and talk with my hips"
Mostly old stuff - like Motown - but occasionally I've been know to "do the Helen Keller and talk with my hips"
5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
midday I believe (accommodating even then)
midday I believe (accommodating even then)
6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
One more day before going back to work
One more day before going back to work
7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
my mind
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'7" (are you really paying attention?)
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
only when I feel trapped and closed in
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no, I'm not six
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
the last person that scared me in the dark
13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
zombie attacks
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
dark ('cause I'm not afraid of it)
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
on top of the ice when hell freezes over
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee is an energy drink
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
pepperoni, mushrooms, double cheese, mmmmmmm pizza
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
well, now I'm thinking about pizza
19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
right now I'm in my blue period
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
I like sushi, so you never know
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap
22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Jack Bauer - I can't help it
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
once at a party in the seventies, but I didn't inhale
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Lane Bryant (I'm not stupid. Who knows who'll read this?)
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
why? you can't hear me. I could write a number, but I'm not going to.
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
I'm not sure what this means...maybe only Clairol knows (that's for all you old folks out there - only her hairdresser knows for sure)
32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"what goes around, comes around"
33. FAVORITE PLACE?
there's no place like home, unless it's a really great hotel with room service and free movies
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
yes, I did some time in a Turkish prison
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
inane Facebook quizzes
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
not really - I shook Buster Douglas's hand once, then I brought him to his knees
37. FIRST JOB?
grocery store working for an *ss. turns out it was good training
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
No. By the way, do you have Prince Albert in the can?
39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
no. everyone out there has a cellphone, but not a soulmate
40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
cleaning my house, that's why this seemed fun
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
my freakin' good nature
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no, in my day if we had knarly awful teeth, we lived with it
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
braces
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
I want three, but I'm think that's getting less likely
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after my parents, but before my children
47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
anybody that doesn't love puppies, rainbows and a walk on the beach
48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
graduation
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
depends on who I'm shampooing...
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
no, but I'm fond of my typing
51. WHAT KIND OF LUNCH MEAT DO YOU LIKE?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!
53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
only if their stuff is better than mine
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
no - my house isn't clean, my stuff is mostly crap and I spend too much time on inane Facebook quizzes
55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
I agree with the benefits of friends
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
no, but smells do
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M ANGRY?????????
58.WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
who would want to gain 58 pounds? Even if you were down to 72 pounds because of some awful illness, you don't need 58. 30 would do. I hate this quiz.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
fire
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Sorry, I can't do this anymore...99 is too many things. I quit.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Not as much as Andy and Opie. (sorry, it was too easy, I couldn't quit...)
63. Do you use sarcasm?
like I need to tell you that
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
depends on the wine
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Well, I guess you'd look for androgynous traits in a guy/girl...
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
really, I'm done, this is stupid...
my mind
8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap
9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'7" (are you really paying attention?)
10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
only when I feel trapped and closed in
11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no, I'm not six
12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
the last person that scared me in the dark
13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
zombie attacks
14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
dark ('cause I'm not afraid of it)
15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
on top of the ice when hell freezes over
16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee is an energy drink
17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
pepperoni, mushrooms, double cheese, mmmmmmm pizza
18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
well, now I'm thinking about pizza
19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
right now I'm in my blue period
20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
I like sushi, so you never know
21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap
22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Jack Bauer - I can't help it
23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
once at a party in the seventies, but I didn't inhale
24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Lane Bryant (I'm not stupid. Who knows who'll read this?)
30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
why? you can't hear me. I could write a number, but I'm not going to.
31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
I'm not sure what this means...maybe only Clairol knows (that's for all you old folks out there - only her hairdresser knows for sure)
32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"what goes around, comes around"
33. FAVORITE PLACE?
there's no place like home, unless it's a really great hotel with room service and free movies
34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
yes, I did some time in a Turkish prison
35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
inane Facebook quizzes
36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
not really - I shook Buster Douglas's hand once, then I brought him to his knees
37. FIRST JOB?
grocery store working for an *ss. turns out it was good training
38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
No. By the way, do you have Prince Albert in the can?
39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
no. everyone out there has a cellphone, but not a soulmate
40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
cleaning my house, that's why this seemed fun
42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
my freakin' good nature
43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no, in my day if we had knarly awful teeth, we lived with it
44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
braces
45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
I want three, but I'm think that's getting less likely
46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after my parents, but before my children
47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
anybody that doesn't love puppies, rainbows and a walk on the beach
48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
graduation
49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
depends on who I'm shampooing...
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
no, but I'm fond of my typing
51. WHAT KIND OF LUNCH MEAT DO YOU LIKE?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!
52. ANY BAD HABITS?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!
53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
only if their stuff is better than mine
54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
no - my house isn't clean, my stuff is mostly crap and I spend too much time on inane Facebook quizzes
55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
I agree with the benefits of friends
56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
no, but smells do
57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M ANGRY?????????
58.WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
who would want to gain 58 pounds? Even if you were down to 72 pounds because of some awful illness, you don't need 58. 30 would do. I hate this quiz.
60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
fire
61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Sorry, I can't do this anymore...99 is too many things. I quit.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Not as much as Andy and Opie. (sorry, it was too easy, I couldn't quit...)
63. Do you use sarcasm?
like I need to tell you that
64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
depends on the wine
65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Well, I guess you'd look for androgynous traits in a guy/girl...
66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
really, I'm done, this is stupid...
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Ode to Samantha
There are yellow labs
and chocolate labs.
Sam's a chocolate-thieving
yellow lab
who ate fudge overnight.
It didn't kill her...
but I might.
and chocolate labs.
Sam's a chocolate-thieving
yellow lab
who ate fudge overnight.
It didn't kill her...
but I might.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Dead Celebrities
A few random thoughts:
Ed McMahon
I expect to soon see an editorial cartoon with Ed at the pearly gates and Saint Peter saying "Heeeerrrrre's Ed!"
Farrah Fawcett
A true 70s icon. Hard to believe now, but her famous swimsuit poster was scandalous because her nipples were hard.
Michael Jackson
Like my friend at work said: "the dude was a genius."
Billy Mays
Brought high energy to high energy. Use Billy when it absolutely, positively had to be sold overnight.
Karl Malden
Great character actor, probably taught Michael Douglas a thing or two. Proof positive that even if you need a nose job, it's not always a good idea to get one.
Mollie Sugden
If you don't know, she was Mrs. Slocombe on "Are You Being Served?". Funny hair. Funny double entendres about her pussy. If the Brits own the market on innuendo, then Mrs. Slocombe was the primary shareholder.
Ed McMahon
I expect to soon see an editorial cartoon with Ed at the pearly gates and Saint Peter saying "Heeeerrrrre's Ed!"
Farrah Fawcett
A true 70s icon. Hard to believe now, but her famous swimsuit poster was scandalous because her nipples were hard.
Michael Jackson
Like my friend at work said: "the dude was a genius."
Billy Mays
Brought high energy to high energy. Use Billy when it absolutely, positively had to be sold overnight.
Karl Malden
Great character actor, probably taught Michael Douglas a thing or two. Proof positive that even if you need a nose job, it's not always a good idea to get one.
Mollie Sugden
If you don't know, she was Mrs. Slocombe on "Are You Being Served?". Funny hair. Funny double entendres about her pussy. If the Brits own the market on innuendo, then Mrs. Slocombe was the primary shareholder.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Liquid Prozac
When I am stressed
it helps me cope,
When I am sad
it lessens the mope,
When I'm at work
I'm not such a dope,
Wherever there's tea
there is hope.
it helps me cope,
When I am sad
it lessens the mope,
When I'm at work
I'm not such a dope,
Wherever there's tea
there is hope.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Moral Dilemma
Last Saturday night I stopped at a strip mall with my daughter. As we were leaving and I was backing out of my parking space, I backed right into a truck. A big white pickup truck with a cap. Not hard to see. Especially with my car's top down. I don't know what happened. Hard to admit being careless. And stupid.
Anyway - I pull back into a parking space and my daughter and I get out to check the damage. I feel a little sick. But nothing is really wrong with my car - a couple scuff marks, no dent. All right! What a relief! We go to inspect the truck. No problem there either - I'm off scott free! - but wait, what's this? Ack! A small crease in the shiny metal bumper!
Could I have caused that crease? I was doing practically zero miles an hour! My car isn't dented, and that's a big old truck! I couldn't have caused that crease.
Could I?
What to do. Leave a note or not leave a note. Leaving one feels like the right thing to do. But what if I didn't cause the damage? What if Mr. Truck Driver is an immoral money-grubbing opportunist and tries to stick it to me and my insurance company? What if leaving a note makes me a STUPID, NAIVE FOOL?
I'm way more stressed out at this point than I have any reason to be. I debate it with my daughter. I call my son. He is rational. He says if I drive away I won't go to hell, BUT: the right thing to do is leave a note. I know that, but it sucks. My son says that's how I know it's right. Because it sucks.
I leave a note with my cell phone number under a windshield wiper. I apologize. I say I didn't think I caused any damage, but wanted to let Mr. Truck Driver check for himself. Then I go home and wait. I turn the sound off on my phone and check it periodically. I want Mr. Truck Driver to have to leave a message. I'm sure that's what the savvy truck hitters do.
No call Saturday night. No call Sunday. No call, in fact, so far.
So what's the moral of the story? I'm not sure. It could be that the note blew off or Mr. Truck Driver thought it was an ad or something and never read it.
Or, it could be that Mr. Truck Driver saw the note, checked the bumper, knew the crease had already been there and threw the note away. I like that option. Kind of restores my faith in humanity. And makes the whole situation suck a little less.
Anyway - I pull back into a parking space and my daughter and I get out to check the damage. I feel a little sick. But nothing is really wrong with my car - a couple scuff marks, no dent. All right! What a relief! We go to inspect the truck. No problem there either - I'm off scott free! - but wait, what's this? Ack! A small crease in the shiny metal bumper!
Could I have caused that crease? I was doing practically zero miles an hour! My car isn't dented, and that's a big old truck! I couldn't have caused that crease.
Could I?
What to do. Leave a note or not leave a note. Leaving one feels like the right thing to do. But what if I didn't cause the damage? What if Mr. Truck Driver is an immoral money-grubbing opportunist and tries to stick it to me and my insurance company? What if leaving a note makes me a STUPID, NAIVE FOOL?
I'm way more stressed out at this point than I have any reason to be. I debate it with my daughter. I call my son. He is rational. He says if I drive away I won't go to hell, BUT: the right thing to do is leave a note. I know that, but it sucks. My son says that's how I know it's right. Because it sucks.
I leave a note with my cell phone number under a windshield wiper. I apologize. I say I didn't think I caused any damage, but wanted to let Mr. Truck Driver check for himself. Then I go home and wait. I turn the sound off on my phone and check it periodically. I want Mr. Truck Driver to have to leave a message. I'm sure that's what the savvy truck hitters do.
No call Saturday night. No call Sunday. No call, in fact, so far.
So what's the moral of the story? I'm not sure. It could be that the note blew off or Mr. Truck Driver thought it was an ad or something and never read it.
Or, it could be that Mr. Truck Driver saw the note, checked the bumper, knew the crease had already been there and threw the note away. I like that option. Kind of restores my faith in humanity. And makes the whole situation suck a little less.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I Fought the Beach and the Beach Won
On holiday at the beach in North Carolina.
I'm in the ocean with a group of friends. I see a wave coming and know it's going to break nearby. I brace myself; it still knocks me right to my knees. On your knees amid breaking waves is not a comfortable place to be. It's safe, because it's shallow and I can swim, but water and sand churn all around - the earth literally washes from under me. My friend offers his hand to help. My hand, however, is slick with sunscreen. I'm almost to my feet and - bam! - on my ass in the same churning sea. I've never had so much sand and salt inside my suit, let alone in all the nooks and crannies of my muffins.
Evening of the same day. My friend, her daughter and I decide to go to the beach after dark. The house we have rented is separated from the ocean by a dune, with weather-worn steps on each side. On the ocean side, however, many of the steps have been reclaimed by sand. So when you're going to the beach you finish the last eight feet or so down a steep slope of soft sand. You climb the same when you return.
The three of us get to the beach and it is truly DARK. We are armed with two small flashlights and a glowstick, but still the way is not well lit. We decide to curtail our walk. We return to the base of the dune. (Did I mention it was dark?) I start to climb the soft sand and fall right to my knees. This time my friend's daughter extends a hand. I'm almost on my feet and - bam! - on my ass in the sand dune. This time with enough momentum that I literally roll down the dune. That's right. Roll back down the dune to the beach. Lots of sand. Lots of nooks and crannies.
I do finally make it to the safety of our house. The bad news is, I am a little stiff and sore the next morning. Apparently I can't fall four times in one day without some sort of physical repercussions. The good news is, I fully expect a nook or cranny to yield a pearl one day.
I'm in the ocean with a group of friends. I see a wave coming and know it's going to break nearby. I brace myself; it still knocks me right to my knees. On your knees amid breaking waves is not a comfortable place to be. It's safe, because it's shallow and I can swim, but water and sand churn all around - the earth literally washes from under me. My friend offers his hand to help. My hand, however, is slick with sunscreen. I'm almost to my feet and - bam! - on my ass in the same churning sea. I've never had so much sand and salt inside my suit, let alone in all the nooks and crannies of my muffins.
Evening of the same day. My friend, her daughter and I decide to go to the beach after dark. The house we have rented is separated from the ocean by a dune, with weather-worn steps on each side. On the ocean side, however, many of the steps have been reclaimed by sand. So when you're going to the beach you finish the last eight feet or so down a steep slope of soft sand. You climb the same when you return.
The three of us get to the beach and it is truly DARK. We are armed with two small flashlights and a glowstick, but still the way is not well lit. We decide to curtail our walk. We return to the base of the dune. (Did I mention it was dark?) I start to climb the soft sand and fall right to my knees. This time my friend's daughter extends a hand. I'm almost on my feet and - bam! - on my ass in the sand dune. This time with enough momentum that I literally roll down the dune. That's right. Roll back down the dune to the beach. Lots of sand. Lots of nooks and crannies.
I do finally make it to the safety of our house. The bad news is, I am a little stiff and sore the next morning. Apparently I can't fall four times in one day without some sort of physical repercussions. The good news is, I fully expect a nook or cranny to yield a pearl one day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
