Saturday, December 25, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 12

On the twelfth day of Christmas, I celebrated it as I hope you were able to: with family and friends, fun and games, and lots of food and gifts. Merry Christmas everyone!

Friday, December 24, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 11

On the eleventh day of Christmas, I'm sitting here thinking about Christmases past. I saw a comment my niece posted on Facebook about my dad and his Christmas decorations. Dad decorated in a big way. He was creative, he was handy with tools, and Santa was his muse. We had a Merry Christmas sign that stretched between our house and Grandma's house next door. He had lights on the roof in the shape of bells and candy canes that blinked off and on. There was a motorized reindeer that pulled Santa up and down a chimney Dad added to our front porch. There was a large nativity scene. But the two big crowd-pleasers - and there were crowds, people always came to look around, Dad was even in the Dispatch once - anyway, the two big crowd pleasers were the Whirligig and the Star.

The Whirligig was a big red boxy thing - well, red on the base and plexiglass on the top. It was about four or five feet wide, four or five feet tall and about two feet deep. In it were turntables that whirled around - one was a carousel of white reindeer being ridden by elves. I seem to remember dolls dressed up in costumes from other countries, spinning around. My niece also remembers ice skaters. The Whirligig was something to behold, I tell you, powered by an old washing machine motor.

The Star was a big three-dimensional 5-point star that dad perched atop a 40-foot tower anchored to the back of our house...and then he lit it up. You could see that star for miles. My brother and I would watch for it whenever we were out in the car with Dad, trying to be the first to spot it.

At Christmastime, or really, almost anytime, "less is more" had no meaning for my dad. For him, bigger was always better and if you could make it move and light it up, it was perfect.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 10

On the tenth day of Christmas, I spent the evening at a small party with friends I don't see nearly often enough. Great people, good snacks and an endless supply of specialty martinis thanks to Doug the bartender - what could be better?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 9

On the ninth day of Christmas, I was banished to the kitchen and sat at the table listening to bags being opened in the dining room, gift wrap rustling, and Emily whispering to Chrissy "How do you spell Jeano?"

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 8

On the eighth day of Christmas, Chrissy, Emily and I visited my friend Pat and swam in her indoor pool. If you want to impress a seven year old, I recommend a beautiful, bathtub-warm indoor pool, with a poolside dinner of pizza and peanut brittle.

Being in the pool with Em is like being in the pool with an otter. She swims, she dives, she flips, she does handstands. She takes a running start from the side, jumps, tucks, and yells "Cannonball!" which, on second thought, isn't very otter-like but I'll bet otters would do it if they could.

A note about the pizza: Pat called and asked me what kind of pizza Emily would like. I asked Emily and she thought for just a second or two and said "Sausage. With those, you know, banana peppers." I was somewhat surprised but passed the info along to Pat, who agreed to order it, and I also mentioned it later to Chrissy.

Fast forward to me being at work and Chrissy and Emily hanging out, just the two of them. Chrissy told Emily she was surprised that she liked sausage and banana peppers on her pizza. And do you know what Emily said? "Oh, I've never had it before, it just sounds good."

The kid kills me. And she discovered she does, indeed, like pizza with sausage and banana peppers.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 7

On the seventh day of Christmas, I cooked dinner for my ex Joe, his dad, Joey, Chrissy and Emily. Chrissy and I invited them over so they could shower Em with Christmas gifts before she has to go back home. Get any group of Gioffres together and it's going to be loud, but it can also be fun. I'm grateful we can still get together as a family and get along. Joe helped clean up the kitchen after dinner and, as he was leaving and noticed that the tension on my front screen door is out of whack, he said he'd stop at Lowes and buy the piece I need and install it when we all get together on Christmas. 'Tis the season...

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 6

On the sixth day of Christmas, I had hot dogs and macaroni and cheese for dinner, played a game of Mystery Date and am now watching Hannah Montana. Welcome back Chrissy and Emily!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 5

On the fifth day of Christmas I spent the afternoon with my dear friend K and she gave me a spectacular gift - she took me to a bar for lunch and taught me how to play Keno.

I don't know how or why I haven't discovered Keno before now. Legal gambling right here in Columbus - who knew? It's part of the Ohio Lottery, and you feed money into a machine, pick numbers, watch those numbers come up (or not) on a screen, and cash in your ticket with the bartender if you win. It was so much fun, and I can't wait to do it again.

Keno - the gift that keeps on giving, all year long.

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 4

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my sister gave to me
a tinful of homemade cookies.

I can't stop to write much,
I hope you understand,
there's a cookie in each of my hands.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 3

On the third day of Christmas I spent the day receiving gifts from my boss M.

M is gay. I mention this only because his taste and sensibility heightens the level of gifts he gives.

He took his team - three of us - to Cafe Istanbul for lunch. There he gave us what he called "practical and whimsical gifts" in lovely gift bags with fabric handles. Not dollar-store gift bags. Inside were a rechargeable flashlight from Restoration Hardware, small cashmere handwarmers - that's right, cashmere - from Restoration Hardware, and the cutest little piece of china from Anthropologie that at first looks like a knick knack but is actually little flower-shaped measuring spoons.

After work we went to M's house, along with a few other co-workers, for drinks and hors d'oeuvres. There he gave us all a bottle of chocolate wine and a box of Lindt chocolates.

And speaking of cashmere - which I was, earlier, if you were paying attention - M has a tiny little dog that's almost a year old. The dog is part Yorkie and part something else. M loves the dog and M loves Ralph Lauren. It's all he wears, and it's all the dog wears. He - the dog - wore a tiny little Ralph Lauren cashmere sweater tonight. That's right, cashmere. And he owns it in two colors.

Dog dresses better than me.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 2

On the second day of Christmas, I FINALLY did a little decorating and trimmed my tree. I'm never one to decorate right after Thanksgiving, but this is a little late, even for me.

There are two things I have from my childhood that make me all warm and fuzzy each year I unearth them from the rest of the Christmas stuff.

One is my stocking. I'm not sure how long I've had it, but I believe forever is pretty close. It's red felt, whip-stitched around the edges in white, with a green felt Christmas tree on the front and my name embroidered on the top. It's sadly beautiful, and apparently lucky. Thanks to thoughtful parents and children, I think Santa has managed to fill my stocking most every year.



The other item is known in my family as the green bulb. It's a tree ornament that originally belonged to my mom's mom and it has to be close to a hundred years old. It's not especially pretty anymore; it's heavy green glass that has clouded over the years. But my mom loved it and began a tradition years ago of bestowing on some lucky friend or family member the honor of hanging the green bulb on our tree. I remember loving the anticipation of wondering who Mom would pick, and I believe it was totally arbitrary on her part.

Now that I have the green bulb, I have the power to choose who gets to hang it on my tree. I'm afraid the honor has lost some of it's luster now that Mom's gone, but I still love the bulb and the tradition. This year, I decided the honoree should be...me.

What can I say? Power corrupts.


Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Twelve Days of Christmas - Day 1

Did you know the Twelve Days of Christmas are the days between Christmas and the Epiphany?

I didn't, but if you did, good for you! Now - forget about it. For my purposes, the Twelve Days of Christmas are going to refer to the twelve days before Christmas, from right now to Christmas Day.

I'm going to try - everyday - to share with you little nuggets of Christmas cheer.

So - on the first day of Christmas I found myself in the Toy Department at Meijer, looking for a gift for my new step-grandaughter Emily. It's a lot of fun to shop for a child, especially when you're as out of practice as I am. I spotted one of the items on her list: a FurReal Friends Lulu the Cuddlin' Kitty (shhh, don't tell her). It's a furry white stuffed animal that reacts to movement and touch. The batteries are included! So I put it in my cart and, that's right, it meowed from one end of Meijer to the other. I can't wait to give it to Em.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Attitude Adjustment

I've had a little trouble getting into the holiday spirit this year, but it's better now. Here's why:

I went to a great party last night. The hostess, T, has thrown this party every year for 20 years now, inviting a dozen or so smart, funny women. T was diagnosed last January with ovarian cancer. She had surgery and months of chemo, but she's finally starting to feel better and the prognosis is good. Last night, to avoid getting sick from drinking too much, she chased her alcohol - a lot of alcohol - with anti-nausea chemo pills. Brilliant! Way to take those lemons and make lemonade. T is an inspiration.

Because of last night's festivities, I was dragging when I got to the office this morning. I stopped at our cafe for coffee. I whined a little to a wonderful woman, K, who works in the cafe. K gave me a FREE fresh-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip cookie to have with my coffee. A small act of kindness that made my day, combined with the healing power of chocolate chips.

I drank the coffee, I ate the cookie, and I started to feel human. Then I noticed on my calendar that I was scheduled for a massage at 10. Every month my company brings in a masseuse who does upper body massage for a modest fee. My boss had scheduled one for me - and paid for it - as a holiday treat.

Wow. Lots of good things happening in a short period of time. Maybe I should get over myself.

So here's to healthy, caring friends; thoughtful co-workers; and attitude adjustments.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

I Have A Cold

I have a cold
and it’s not pretty,
my nose runneth over
and I feel shitty.
I have a cold.

I have a cold
and you can tell
cause I sniff and snort
and feel like hell.
I have a cold.

I have a cold
and I’ll probably die
so this little rhyme
is my sad goodbye.
I have a cold.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Today's Rant

I just got back from taking care of a little business in Dublin, Ohio. I was in the area of Avery Road and Perimeter Drive. This is a dense commercial area. Lots of stores. Lots of offices. Trouble is, you can't find any of them because Dublin won't post a sign that anyone can see. Through your windshield, it's all hedges and rooftops. Is there a bank nearby? Can I drive through somewhere for lunch? Who knows? By the time you see the sign - if you ever do - you've driven past it. Seriously, Dublin, I'm not fooled into thinking I'm driving along a country lane or through a quaint little village. Do us all a favor and put up some golden arches for godsake.

Disclaimer: I know a smart, earnest young woman who works for the City of Dublin. It's a lovely place, mostly, and she probably doesn't agree with me about the signs but that's because she's smart, earnest and young and I'm cranky.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Anger Management

Hey, you know what?
NO I’m not happy
As a matter of fact
I feel pretty crappy
So spread the word
And let it be known
You can do me a favor
And leave me alone

Hard to believe but
YES you heard right
I’ll feel better as soon
As you’re out of sight
I’m not mad at you
It’s the world I abhor
But don’t let that keep you
From using the door

Give me a break and
STOP with the platitudes
Leave me to wallow
in my bad attitude
I’m good here for now
I just need some space
So back the hell off
I’m sick of your face

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Buy Anxiety

I’m going to buy a laptop
It kind of makes my belly drop
To spend a lot of cash
On something that might crash
On something that might freeze up
I wish this stress would ease up
I wish I had more wisdom
Of operating systems
Of ram and gigabytes
To make this purchase right
To make the right decision
On my PC acquisition
Because sadly it’s a fact
That I can’t afford a MAC

Monday, July 26, 2010

Two Thumbs Up

My new step-granddaughter Emily and I have spent a lot of time together these past few days. She likes to watch movies. From Friday to Sunday we have seen Peter Pan, The Little Mermaid, The Wizard of Oz, Finding Nemo and Beauty and the Beast.

For future reference, should you decide to view these movies, here is the scare-factor analysis according to one knowledgeable seven year old.

Peter Pan: The ticking alligator is very scary.

The Little Mermaid: all clear – nothing too scary

The Wizard of Oz: Wicked witch, very scary. Flying monkeys, slightly scary. All together too much singing in general and Emily wishes they’d stop. The black and white part is no good either.

(Note: when Dorothy has visited Professor Marvel and realizes a storm is brewing, she says something like "Toto! We must get home!" Under her breath, Emily mutters very ominously "Oh, I don't think you're going home." Jeano rates this slightly scary.)

Finding Nemo – see The Little Mermaid above.

Beauty and the Beast: Wolves in the forest, very scary. Beast when he’s being mean, very scary. Patience to correct Jeano every time she pronounces it Booty and the Beast, apparently infinite.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Holiday Weekend Lament

Is anything shorter than a 3 day weekend
or longer than the first day back?
It's a good thing my job doesn't dee-pend
on my mind always staying on track.

I try writing copy for fashions and new looks,
I try well to manage my time,
but I wind up on G-mail and Facebook,
writing emails and making up rhymes.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Spyder Woman

Are you sick of reading about my car?

Sorry, but as someone who's always driven Accords and Corollas in the past, driving a car that garners attention is a fun, new experience for me.

So - I'm driving home from work on a beautiful evening, top down on my shiny silver Spyder, stopped at a traffic light.

I glance at the car next two me. Two men - the driver, who looked old but in reality was probably my age and the passenger, possibly his son - are openly staring.

Not at me.

When the passenger notices me noticing him, he smiles kind of apologetically and says "nice car."

"Thanks," I replied. "It's great on a day like this."

Then the driver says "Car like that is great on any day."

Boom boom.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Notes from the Road, #4

My friend Pat, her dog Sadie and I stopped at a rest area somewhere in Nebraska, on our way to Idaho.

Like many rest areas along I-80, this one, in addition to bathrooms, vending machines and picnic tables, offers a tourist attraction. I find that odd...and oddly interesting.

While we're letting Sadie stretch her legs, I see a historical marker off in the distance. There is a walkway leading out to it, so I decide to investigate. Pat follows soon after and since we're getting farther from the road and other travelers, she drops Sadie's leash and lets her run on ahead to me.

It's a big historical marker, mounted on a slant on a concrete base. Even from a distance I can make out the headline: Cheyenne County. A few yards closer, though, and I can make out another, smaller sign:

Caution. Rattlesnakes Are Native To This Area.

We'll never know what the historical marker actually said.

I immediately turn around and head back toward rest area civilization. Since Sadie has the disadvantage of not being able to read, she frolics on.

Pat sees I've turned back and am now walking toward her and asks why.

There's a sign that says "Caution Rattlesnakes" I say.

GET MY DOG! she says.

Glad to see where her priorities are. Risk the life of one friend by sending her back into harm's way to rescue another - apparently more important - friend.

Luckily, what Sadie lacks in literacy she makes up for in obedience. We called, she came, and we hit the road again.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Notes from the Road, #3

Giant roadside things we saw between Columbus and Boise:

A giant cross, in front of a church.

A giant candle, by a candle shop.

A giant hand holding a giant wrench, God only knows where, my notes aren't that good.

A giant coffeepot, advertising Sapp Bros. gas station and diner.

A giant Virgin Mary, surrounded by smaller religious statues. Again, God only knows where, although he or she is probably more attuned to this one than to the giant wrench. I can tell you, though, there wasn't a church in sight.

A giant white tepee. It had smaller, one level wooden structures on each side. It was somebody's home. How does that happen? When you're contemplating building a new home, at what point does giant tepee seem like a good idea?

A giant Abraham Lincoln head on top of a tall stone monument at a roadside rest. I-80 is known as the Lincoln Highway. The monument was originally built to honor Henry Joy, one of the driving forces (ba dum dum) behind the Lincoln Highway. It was built on some family property, but nobody much saw it there and those who did vandalized it, so the Joy family thought it would be a good idea to move it.

To a rest stop.

I think that family perhaps lives in a giant white tepee.

I nicknamed the monument Lincoln Jesus, God only knows why.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Notes from the Road, #2

Our first night on the road to Idaho was spent in Grinnell, Iowa. Home of Grinnell College. Named for Josiah Grinell, the fellow to whom Horace Greeley gave his famous advice: "Go West, young man."

Pretty impressive.

Historic downtown Grinnell features the Merchants National Bank, one of eight "jewel-box banks" built by architect Louis Sullivan, creator of the modern skyscraper and mentor to Frank Lloyd Wright.

We scoped it out. Very impressive.

We did not, however, stay in historic downtown Grinnell. We stayed at a pet-friendly Best Western, just off the I-80 ramp, right next to the Kum & Go.

Seriously.

Comfortable. Convenient. No so impressive.

Notes from the Road, #1

My friend Pat, her dog Sadie and I recently drove from Columbus to Garden Valley, Idaho.

Pat did almost all the driving, which gave me a lot of time to look at the scenery.

As we were zipping along Route 80 in Nebraska, that scenery was mostly farms and farmland. Until we were almost to North Platte. Then it was:

cows cows cows cows CAMEL cows cows cows cows

Yes, I saw a camel inside a fence on a farm in Nebraska. Pat did not see it. If Sadie saw it, she's not corroborating my story. But trust me, I know a camel when I see one.

Out of curiosity, I googled "camel in Nebraska." You never know what you'll find. What I found is a tourist attraction in Cairo, Nebraska called the Welcome Camel. Cairo - pronounced Kare-O, not Ky-ro - is about 150 miles from North Platte so, obviously, what I saw was not the Welcome Camel.

But it was a camel.

Coincidence? You decide. But I believe there is suspicious camel activity right here in America's heartland.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Mother's Day Lament

What’s a mother to do on Mother’s Day
when her children are grown and far away
and her mother’s gone but not forgotten
should she spend the day just feeling rotten?

Nope, she should call the old friends
she relies on a lot
and pass the day pissing
away money in slots.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Voila Revisited

Those of you who follow my blog may recall my post about a guy I work with asking me how to spell "voila" and then not believing me when I told him.

Let's call him V-Man. He sits in the cubicle next to me. He's a good guy, I really like him. And yet, yesterday, when I was talking to a friend on the phone about what travel site she uses on line, V-Man sent me this instant message:

"Kayak is a great site. I didn't mean to ease drop."

Ease drop.

It makes sense in a weird sort of way. It was easy for him to overhear me.

Still, V-Man, you're killing me.

Balancing Act

Does anyone balance their checkbook anymore?

I think I'm possibly the last person on earth doing it. And I do, I get a piece of slate and a sliver of coal and I sit near the fire trying to figure out if the bank is accurately taking care of my money.

Actually, I don't write many checks anymore, but I also record and track my debit purchases, which is another thing I think few people do. I've had many people tell me they just look at their online balance and if there's money in their account, life is good.

I just can't do it. It almost seems foolhardy to me.

Back in the day when the bank actually returned my checks AND sent me a paper statement, I would try to balance to the penny, but my personal cut-off point was one dollar. If I could reconcile with the bank within a dollar or less, I'd do the math adjustment and call it a day. If the bank and I were off by more than a dollar, though, I'd look for it. I'd check my math. I'd compare the amounts written on the checks with the amounts I recorded. I spent a lot of time looking for a little bit of money.

That seems foolhardy, too. In all these years of balancing my checkbook, I've never once had to go to the bank about a mistake THEY made.

Yesterday I used my online statement and balanced my checkbook. More or less. This time the bank and I were off an even $25. I made a note of it, and moved on. I just haven't decided if that's personal growth or mere laziness.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Groaner

So a guy at work today was moving from his cubicle to the cubicle next door. To expedite matters, he sometimes just tossed things over the wall.

I'd call that decorating style fling shui.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Ode to a Pen

I just bought a new pen
and it’s like being ten
when new school supplies
brought stars to my eyes

The pen’s ergonomic
not like a Bic Stic
contoured and tiny
smooth, blue and shiny

When it comes to cool pens
I don’t care what I spends
so for 3.99
it had to be mine

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My Corona

(for Renee, Renee, Kim, Julie and Scott, who have a knack for fun)

Ooh my little chilly one, chilly one
When you gonna bring me my, my Corona?
Ooh you make my evening fun, my evening fun
One cool bottle at a time, Corona
Never drink it straight, such a waste,
such a waste of time. Always get it set, in the neck,
Little wedge of lime. My my my i yi woo!
ma ma ma My Corona!

Friday, February 26, 2010

Thaw

stealthy strands of sun reflect
on relentless icy drifts

whispered breaths of warmth reveal
impossible bits of green

a respite, however brief
not nearly spring, but rising

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Reading, Writing and Ranting

I just read a printed version of a Power Point presentation that was given to the execs at my place of employment. The presentation summarized customer research gathered by a consulting firm. I'm not privy to the budget, but based on the number of surveys, interviews and focus groups, it's safe to say this firm was paid a gazillion dollars.

What aggravates me is the number of typos, mistakes and poorly-written phrases I found throughout the document. For example, on page 3, they used the word "our" instead of "are." Proof positive that Spell Check cannot fix everything.

What further aggravates me is the fear that not one of our execs even noticed the mistakes or raised the issue with the offending firm.

I know I'm the world's oldest living copywriter, but am I the only person (besides other copywriters) who still cares about correct spelling and clear, concise work? Is content the entire issue, and grammar merely nitpicking?

You probably lost interest three paragraphs ago, but here is one of the questions the consulting firm posed regarding our customer: "What does she wish that we carried?"

It's not an especially good question to start with, but "that" screws it up entirely. It's sloppy. It shouldn't be part of a gazillion-dollar project. It should cause executives to wince and doubt the credibility of the firm they hired.

But it don't.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Snow Blight

Damn this snow
It was pretty
For a second
About two weeks ago
But its unrelenting
Piling on has
Brought me to my knees
To freeze
Oh please stop this
God damned snow