Monday, July 27, 2009

Monday Crash

Monday afternoon stupor.
I try to be a trooper
But my eyes refuse to focus.

Monday afternoon daze.
My eyes will not unglaze
I need a Starbucks jamochas.

Monday afternoon shirk.
Had best get back to work
I don’t want to end up broke-us.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Wasting Time on Facebook

I published this on Facebook and got some positive feedback, so I thought I'd post it here. There aren't really 99 things. Don't let that scare you off.


99 Things You Might Not Know About Me


1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Had a car door closed on my finger when I was a kid. My sister-in-law told me to move my hand and I didn't. I was a rebel. A scarred rebel.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
paint, pictures, probably cobwebs

3. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
yes. all three. don't share a hotel room with me.

4. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Mostly old stuff - like Motown - but occasionally I've been know to "do the Helen Keller and talk with my hips"

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
midday I believe (accommodating even then)

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
One more day before going back to work

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
my mind

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap

9. HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5'7" (are you really paying attention?)

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
only when I feel trapped and closed in

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no, I'm not six

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
the last person that scared me in the dark

13. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
zombie attacks

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
dark ('cause I'm not afraid of it)

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF PROPOSING?
on top of the ice when hell freezes over

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
coffee is an energy drink

17. FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
pepperoni, mushrooms, double cheese, mmmmmmm pizza

18. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
well, now I'm thinking about pizza

19. FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
right now I'm in my blue period

20. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
I like sushi, so you never know

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
I don't know - most of my stuff is crap

22. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Jack Bauer - I can't help it

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
once at a party in the seventies, but I didn't inhale

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
Lane Bryant (I'm not stupid. Who knows who'll read this?)

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
why? you can't hear me. I could write a number, but I'm not going to.

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
I'm not sure what this means...maybe only Clairol knows (that's for all you old folks out there - only her hairdresser knows for sure)

32. FAVORITE QUOTE?
"what goes around, comes around"

33. FAVORITE PLACE?
there's no place like home, unless it's a really great hotel with room service and free movies

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
yes, I did some time in a Turkish prison

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
inane Facebook quizzes

36. MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
not really - I shook Buster Douglas's hand once, then I brought him to his knees

37. FIRST JOB?
grocery store working for an *ss. turns out it was good training

38. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
No. By the way, do you have Prince Albert in the can?

39. DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
no. everyone out there has a cellphone, but not a soulmate

40. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
cleaning my house, that's why this seemed fun

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
my freakin' good nature

43. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
no, in my day if we had knarly awful teeth, we lived with it

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
braces

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
I want three, but I'm think that's getting less likely

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after my parents, but before my children

47. WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
anybody that doesn't love puppies, rainbows and a walk on the beach

48. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKE(D) ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
graduation

49. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE?
depends on who I'm shampooing...

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
no, but I'm fond of my typing

51. WHAT KIND OF LUNCH MEAT DO YOU LIKE?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
bacon - it's the nitratiest!

53. ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
only if their stuff is better than mine

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
no - my house isn't clean, my stuff is mostly crap and I spend too much time on inane Facebook quizzes

55. DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
I agree with the benefits of friends

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
no, but smells do

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'M ANGRY?????????

58.WOULD YOU RATHER GAIN 58 POUNDS OR LOSE 58 POUNDS.
who would want to gain 58 pounds? Even if you were down to 72 pounds because of some awful illness, you don't need 58. 30 would do. I hate this quiz.

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
fire

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
Sorry, I can't do this anymore...99 is too many things. I quit.

62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
Not as much as Andy and Opie. (sorry, it was too easy, I couldn't quit...)

63. Do you use sarcasm?
like I need to tell you that

64. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
depends on the wine

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Well, I guess you'd look for androgynous traits in a guy/girl...

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
really, I'm done, this is stupid...

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Ode to Samantha

There are yellow labs
and chocolate labs.
Sam's a chocolate-thieving
yellow lab
who ate fudge overnight.

It didn't kill her...
but I might.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Dead Celebrities

A few random thoughts:

Ed McMahon
I expect to soon see an editorial cartoon with Ed at the pearly gates and Saint Peter saying "Heeeerrrrre's Ed!"

Farrah Fawcett
A true 70s icon. Hard to believe now, but her famous swimsuit poster was scandalous because her nipples were hard.

Michael Jackson
Like my friend at work said: "the dude was a genius."

Billy Mays
Brought high energy to high energy. Use Billy when it absolutely, positively had to be sold overnight.

Karl Malden
Great character actor, probably taught Michael Douglas a thing or two. Proof positive that even if you need a nose job, it's not always a good idea to get one.

Mollie Sugden
If you don't know, she was Mrs. Slocombe on "Are You Being Served?". Funny hair. Funny double entendres about her pussy. If the Brits own the market on innuendo, then Mrs. Slocombe was the primary shareholder.